Serendipitous Moments

For the record I spelled serendipitous right the first time.

Thursday, I went to Perimeter College, where in just over 1 week I will finally be starting the process of going back to school!!! I had to go over there to take care of some incompetence b/c I swear the people there don't know their heads from their asses. Case in point, I was filling out the appropriate financial aid forms that they never told me I needed and the "adviser" finds an error. Oh yeah, they dropped me from the two classes that I registered and paid for over a month ago. With no notice! There was no "by the way, you aren't signed up anymore" nothing! THEY NEVER EVEN NOTIFIED ME! How incompetent is that??? And to top if off, NO ONE had ever seen the error message before. Seriously? So I tried to remain calm with the financial aid woman and practically stomped down to the "advising" office to find out WTF!

I'm given the new "adviser" who doesn't know the system at all, and after many anticipated minutes of waiting for him to finally print out the piece of paper that told me nothing, he informs me that the classes I had been signed up for would NOT help me get into PT school. Needless to say, I can call everyone who previously "helped" me INCOMPETENT. Idiots! I can't tell you how many times I had to explain I was taking science classes to go to Physical Therapy School and no one thought to process this apparently.

Here's the serendipitous part, b/c every cloud has a silver lining, the "adviser" sends me down to the Head of the Science Department. She tells me that he is right and that those classes would be worthless. So, she proceeds to sign me up for Pre-calculus (I tried and clearly failed at avoiding this one) and an advanced Biology. All of that said, basically, I really feel like this just shows how much more in control God is than me! I mean, to be randomly dropped from wrong classes and then put on the right track. It was a pain in the butt, but totally worth it. What if I had paid out of state tuition and busted my ass for 2 classes that wouldn't even count or transfer?? Not cool. But God stepped in and gave me my serendipitous moment. I love those!

June 8th, I will be walking in to Biology with a Lab and June 9th walking into Pre-Calculus and starting my journey of being a Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Did you read that right? B/c it said DOCTORATE OF PHYSICAL THERAPY. Who knew I would go from a silly bachelor of science (BS - get it?) degree to something in the medical profession? Crazy! Of course I actually have to be accepted to a program, but I'm know this is what God has called me to do, so here I go! I'm actually doing this!

Go Jump Off a Cliff

Let me say that I did not write this, I just feel this way, and it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.

Being 20-something... They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are going back to school and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but they love someone else.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

In conclusion, with the words of Annie Dillard, "If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

the silence is deafening

Jackson Pollock

I can’t explain the number of things that go through my head minute-by-minute. It’s really quite loud, so loud that I sometimes have to sit in silence, which ends up not being silent at all, but allows me to hear myself think. Usually it’s trivial things, like what I want to eat, what I want to wear, an argument with myself about whether I should run or sleep, put up laundry or not. The problem with thinking so much is sometimes I do stupid things like sleep over running and leaving my laundry to sit in a pile another day. Sometimes when the thoughts become more serious I begin writing in my journal.

Let me explain my journal. I bought it with lofty goals of it one day being published into a magnificent memoir where people would read it over coffee, talk about it with their friends, rave about it in the NY Times, etc. (one of my life goals is to publish a book, but probably a “See Spot Run” book). But what it became is the place where I cry out to God, where I make life decisions, where I list goals and lament pain. So in reality it’s just a mess, such a mess I am often embarrassed by what I’ve written and find it far from being worth a book review. Au contraire, it should be burned once I’ve dotted the last period on the last page. I don’t want anyone to read it, such an action may lead me to be committed to a mental institution. But it’s become a necessary part of my life to write down what I’m thinking, like I said, there were big decisions made on those pages.

But I digress, on to the point of this entry, I’ve just been commissioned to teach a young boy of 12 how to write, to get thoughts out of his head onto paper. And while I want to help him, I have to wonder am I equipped for such an important task? I am being asked to shape this kid’s writing future! How do I teach someone how to write his thoughts coherently when I often write serious gibberish? I wasn’t forced into this commission by any means; it’s an excellent challenge for me, much more so than making coffee. I just hope he learns something and will thank me in the opening lines of his own memoir that will undoubtedly be much more spectacular than my first attempt.

God and I have the best conversations in my car

I've been thinking about this a lot, I guess I'm a slow applier, b/c I've always heard this, just never felt like I got it in my life.

Let me explain...

I've been really happy, no, more like joyful, only to be explained as divine contentment. Just really excited about how God is working in my life and at peace knowing he's got it under control and I'm letting him. But as I love my life I can't help but think of the verse Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matt. 10:39) I've been questioning how I can love my life, but not love my life.

This past week has been weird, I've kind of been emotionless, not happy, not sad, not mad, just blah, which is uncharacteristic of me, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve and I have no real reason to be unhappy, as I said before things are fabulous.

Last night, it hit me, I think we go through highs (loving the life we are living) and lows (nothing is satisfying) b/c nothing in this this world can really satisfy us. We weren't created for this world and we were created to worship God. So when I'm unhappy or emotionless maybe it's because I'm not worshiping God enough or maybe it's because I won't be happy until I'm in heaven with my Father.

I think it's good I'm a little emotionless, maybe even a little unhappy, that means I'm not so attached to the things of this world or I should say becoming less attached and less fulfilled. I'm realizing I wasn't created for this world and will never be fully happy until I'm out of this world. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pulling for the dream job, dream house beneath the mountains and a little convertible, but I think I'm just realizing that those are things that I can be blessed with and be happy without, but their importance is less relevant.

this may be a bit of a stretch here

but i'm going to go for it anyway. disclaimer, i am in no way tooting my own horn by saying the following statements and i do have a point, you can read the post from April 11th to be sure as i still feel like that most days.

also, this post has 2 points and in my mind they tie together.

first, let me say that women like exclusivity. i've never experienced said exclusivity, seems like guys just like to stare, yell, honk, blow kisses and toss cheesy pick up lines at me. all highly entertaining i might add, thanks for making my day by making a fool of yourself random guy. all this to say that none of that is flattering to me, it means nothing unless there is some commitment made. i'm definitely NOT saying i want one of the random guys to commit to me, i'm just saying it is all meaningless.

so yesterday i was driving along and within a 5 minute gap i had some sleazy looking man stare me down and then, this is classic, an even sleazier looking guy blows me a kiss as he's driving by. seriously?

that was the part you can laugh at. this is the part you can think about.

i don't think this is a revolutionary idea, just a reflection. i think the way i feel and any other woman is much the way God feels when we don't give him exclusivity. God wants to exclusively be the only one we delight ourselves in. too often i know that i throw my love around to different things, running, friends, work, success, etc. and then God fits in there somehow rather than being the start of my day, the purpose of my day and the only thing that ultimately matters in my life.

(Psa 37:4-6) Delight yourself also in the LORD

it's no wonder Christ compares his love for the church to marriage.

i don't know why i related the two, sleazy men flirting with me to Christ's love and desire to be exlcusivly loved by me, but i just went there.