the silence is deafening

Jackson Pollock

I can’t explain the number of things that go through my head minute-by-minute. It’s really quite loud, so loud that I sometimes have to sit in silence, which ends up not being silent at all, but allows me to hear myself think. Usually it’s trivial things, like what I want to eat, what I want to wear, an argument with myself about whether I should run or sleep, put up laundry or not. The problem with thinking so much is sometimes I do stupid things like sleep over running and leaving my laundry to sit in a pile another day. Sometimes when the thoughts become more serious I begin writing in my journal.

Let me explain my journal. I bought it with lofty goals of it one day being published into a magnificent memoir where people would read it over coffee, talk about it with their friends, rave about it in the NY Times, etc. (one of my life goals is to publish a book, but probably a “See Spot Run” book). But what it became is the place where I cry out to God, where I make life decisions, where I list goals and lament pain. So in reality it’s just a mess, such a mess I am often embarrassed by what I’ve written and find it far from being worth a book review. Au contraire, it should be burned once I’ve dotted the last period on the last page. I don’t want anyone to read it, such an action may lead me to be committed to a mental institution. But it’s become a necessary part of my life to write down what I’m thinking, like I said, there were big decisions made on those pages.

But I digress, on to the point of this entry, I’ve just been commissioned to teach a young boy of 12 how to write, to get thoughts out of his head onto paper. And while I want to help him, I have to wonder am I equipped for such an important task? I am being asked to shape this kid’s writing future! How do I teach someone how to write his thoughts coherently when I often write serious gibberish? I wasn’t forced into this commission by any means; it’s an excellent challenge for me, much more so than making coffee. I just hope he learns something and will thank me in the opening lines of his own memoir that will undoubtedly be much more spectacular than my first attempt.

God and I have the best conversations in my car

I've been thinking about this a lot, I guess I'm a slow applier, b/c I've always heard this, just never felt like I got it in my life.

Let me explain...

I've been really happy, no, more like joyful, only to be explained as divine contentment. Just really excited about how God is working in my life and at peace knowing he's got it under control and I'm letting him. But as I love my life I can't help but think of the verse Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matt. 10:39) I've been questioning how I can love my life, but not love my life.

This past week has been weird, I've kind of been emotionless, not happy, not sad, not mad, just blah, which is uncharacteristic of me, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve and I have no real reason to be unhappy, as I said before things are fabulous.

Last night, it hit me, I think we go through highs (loving the life we are living) and lows (nothing is satisfying) b/c nothing in this this world can really satisfy us. We weren't created for this world and we were created to worship God. So when I'm unhappy or emotionless maybe it's because I'm not worshiping God enough or maybe it's because I won't be happy until I'm in heaven with my Father.

I think it's good I'm a little emotionless, maybe even a little unhappy, that means I'm not so attached to the things of this world or I should say becoming less attached and less fulfilled. I'm realizing I wasn't created for this world and will never be fully happy until I'm out of this world. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pulling for the dream job, dream house beneath the mountains and a little convertible, but I think I'm just realizing that those are things that I can be blessed with and be happy without, but their importance is less relevant.

this may be a bit of a stretch here

but i'm going to go for it anyway. disclaimer, i am in no way tooting my own horn by saying the following statements and i do have a point, you can read the post from April 11th to be sure as i still feel like that most days.

also, this post has 2 points and in my mind they tie together.

first, let me say that women like exclusivity. i've never experienced said exclusivity, seems like guys just like to stare, yell, honk, blow kisses and toss cheesy pick up lines at me. all highly entertaining i might add, thanks for making my day by making a fool of yourself random guy. all this to say that none of that is flattering to me, it means nothing unless there is some commitment made. i'm definitely NOT saying i want one of the random guys to commit to me, i'm just saying it is all meaningless.

so yesterday i was driving along and within a 5 minute gap i had some sleazy looking man stare me down and then, this is classic, an even sleazier looking guy blows me a kiss as he's driving by. seriously?

that was the part you can laugh at. this is the part you can think about.

i don't think this is a revolutionary idea, just a reflection. i think the way i feel and any other woman is much the way God feels when we don't give him exclusivity. God wants to exclusively be the only one we delight ourselves in. too often i know that i throw my love around to different things, running, friends, work, success, etc. and then God fits in there somehow rather than being the start of my day, the purpose of my day and the only thing that ultimately matters in my life.

(Psa 37:4-6) Delight yourself also in the LORD

it's no wonder Christ compares his love for the church to marriage.

i don't know why i related the two, sleazy men flirting with me to Christ's love and desire to be exlcusivly loved by me, but i just went there.

4.5 months later...

and i find an additional job!! yay! I don't really know why it took 5 months to find a part time job. perhaps what is to follow is why? i have gotten used to this whole being my own boss, so stepping back into an office will be tough! but i'm so thankful i found something! i'll be able to pay all my bills for the first time all year!

i'll be working at http://www.pdaconsultants.com/ doing admin stuff, I'm not going to attempt to explain what I'll be doing, I'm not entirely sure, but if you know much about Excel, please tell me, I'll probably need to call you from under my desk for help b/c I took this test yesterday and wow, i know nothing.

It's just a temp job until the end of June, but it pays better than retail and it's a block from my house.

But the SWEET part is this: I applied for a job with the Junior League of Raleigh. The position is for a par time Development Coordinator (which i know means nothing to 99.9% of you reading this), but it's in the fundraising sector. I work part time with the best fundraising consultant in the city. And It probably wouldn't start until the beginning of July...you can see where this is going.....this would be PERFECT!

So I'm praying REALLY hard that I'll get this. B/c it would all come together and make a little more sense.

"Be great at the wait. Be patient - the ability to persevere is what separates whiners from winners."

Just call me Grasshopper...

I've been really frustrated this week about my job situation. I thought things were going well, I had a lot of leads, but they were all in these really boring places doing mind numbing work. I began to accept my fate as an admin assistant, but my heart certainly wasn't there. And through that process began to really question God, "Hello God, why can't I find a job? And will I be forced to work somewhere doing something I hate?" I was growing impatient and discouraged.
(by the way, I got an email yesterday for a part time (!) job with a nonprofit doing fundraising (hello, I work with one of the best nonprofit fundraisers around!) Please pray that I get this one!!

So here I am at 4:30 Saturday morning telling you what God just told me (funny the times he picks).

Again, Oswald Chambers pulls me through a "crisis" from My Utmost for His Highest.

"But if we stay true to God, God will take us through an ordeal that will serve to bring us into a better knowledge of Himself."(April 26) I hate it when I find myself questioning God, He always comes back with something like this and I feel foolish, when will I learn?

"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." (Ps. 18:30)

It gets better..."When we realize how feeble we are in facing difficulties, the difficulties become like giants, we become like grasshoppers and God seems to be nonexistent."(June 5)

BUT God has said, "Never will I leave you: never will I forsake you." (Heb. 13:5) Hello Kate, he takes care of the birds and the flowers, why would he not take care of you?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do no see." (Heb. 11:1)

Needless to say, I am comforted by the words of God, I've dusted myself off from the lies of Satan and I'm ready to continue on this journey of semi-joblessness until God provides the right thing for me and I don't think it will be doing something I hate since I still feel like I jumped when everyone else probably thought it wasn't safe to jump.