holy crap it's been a while....

....i'll try to do better for my faithfulchrissextonreaders.

so a lot has been going on, if i blogged all of my thoughts, well, at least people would have something to read.

i downloaded this song from apple's free downloads of the week and since i can't articulate my feelings well, i let songs do it, here are some of the lyrics. i'm just going to be vulnerable with this one, but it's something i've been dealing with a lot lately. here goes...

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

I really feel like this. i think most girls do, but i'm really struggling with loving myself. and loving oneself is very different from being selfish. i've always felt this way, but i'm finally letting myself admit to myself that i don't love myself...are you following me?

i don't think i'll ever find someone until i can finally love the me God created. sometimes i think that no one will ever love me b/c of all the reasons i don't love myself, but how can i ever let someone else love me if i don't love myself? whew, that was a tongue twister! just something i've been thinking a lot about lately.