God and I have the best conversations in my car

I've been thinking about this a lot, I guess I'm a slow applier, b/c I've always heard this, just never felt like I got it in my life.

Let me explain...

I've been really happy, no, more like joyful, only to be explained as divine contentment. Just really excited about how God is working in my life and at peace knowing he's got it under control and I'm letting him. But as I love my life I can't help but think of the verse Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matt. 10:39) I've been questioning how I can love my life, but not love my life.

This past week has been weird, I've kind of been emotionless, not happy, not sad, not mad, just blah, which is uncharacteristic of me, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve and I have no real reason to be unhappy, as I said before things are fabulous.

Last night, it hit me, I think we go through highs (loving the life we are living) and lows (nothing is satisfying) b/c nothing in this this world can really satisfy us. We weren't created for this world and we were created to worship God. So when I'm unhappy or emotionless maybe it's because I'm not worshiping God enough or maybe it's because I won't be happy until I'm in heaven with my Father.

I think it's good I'm a little emotionless, maybe even a little unhappy, that means I'm not so attached to the things of this world or I should say becoming less attached and less fulfilled. I'm realizing I wasn't created for this world and will never be fully happy until I'm out of this world. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pulling for the dream job, dream house beneath the mountains and a little convertible, but I think I'm just realizing that those are things that I can be blessed with and be happy without, but their importance is less relevant.

this may be a bit of a stretch here

but i'm going to go for it anyway. disclaimer, i am in no way tooting my own horn by saying the following statements and i do have a point, you can read the post from April 11th to be sure as i still feel like that most days.

also, this post has 2 points and in my mind they tie together.

first, let me say that women like exclusivity. i've never experienced said exclusivity, seems like guys just like to stare, yell, honk, blow kisses and toss cheesy pick up lines at me. all highly entertaining i might add, thanks for making my day by making a fool of yourself random guy. all this to say that none of that is flattering to me, it means nothing unless there is some commitment made. i'm definitely NOT saying i want one of the random guys to commit to me, i'm just saying it is all meaningless.

so yesterday i was driving along and within a 5 minute gap i had some sleazy looking man stare me down and then, this is classic, an even sleazier looking guy blows me a kiss as he's driving by. seriously?

that was the part you can laugh at. this is the part you can think about.

i don't think this is a revolutionary idea, just a reflection. i think the way i feel and any other woman is much the way God feels when we don't give him exclusivity. God wants to exclusively be the only one we delight ourselves in. too often i know that i throw my love around to different things, running, friends, work, success, etc. and then God fits in there somehow rather than being the start of my day, the purpose of my day and the only thing that ultimately matters in my life.

(Psa 37:4-6) Delight yourself also in the LORD

it's no wonder Christ compares his love for the church to marriage.

i don't know why i related the two, sleazy men flirting with me to Christ's love and desire to be exlcusivly loved by me, but i just went there.

4.5 months later...

and i find an additional job!! yay! I don't really know why it took 5 months to find a part time job. perhaps what is to follow is why? i have gotten used to this whole being my own boss, so stepping back into an office will be tough! but i'm so thankful i found something! i'll be able to pay all my bills for the first time all year!

i'll be working at http://www.pdaconsultants.com/ doing admin stuff, I'm not going to attempt to explain what I'll be doing, I'm not entirely sure, but if you know much about Excel, please tell me, I'll probably need to call you from under my desk for help b/c I took this test yesterday and wow, i know nothing.

It's just a temp job until the end of June, but it pays better than retail and it's a block from my house.

But the SWEET part is this: I applied for a job with the Junior League of Raleigh. The position is for a par time Development Coordinator (which i know means nothing to 99.9% of you reading this), but it's in the fundraising sector. I work part time with the best fundraising consultant in the city. And It probably wouldn't start until the beginning of July...you can see where this is going.....this would be PERFECT!

So I'm praying REALLY hard that I'll get this. B/c it would all come together and make a little more sense.

"Be great at the wait. Be patient - the ability to persevere is what separates whiners from winners."

Just call me Grasshopper...

I've been really frustrated this week about my job situation. I thought things were going well, I had a lot of leads, but they were all in these really boring places doing mind numbing work. I began to accept my fate as an admin assistant, but my heart certainly wasn't there. And through that process began to really question God, "Hello God, why can't I find a job? And will I be forced to work somewhere doing something I hate?" I was growing impatient and discouraged.
(by the way, I got an email yesterday for a part time (!) job with a nonprofit doing fundraising (hello, I work with one of the best nonprofit fundraisers around!) Please pray that I get this one!!

So here I am at 4:30 Saturday morning telling you what God just told me (funny the times he picks).

Again, Oswald Chambers pulls me through a "crisis" from My Utmost for His Highest.

"But if we stay true to God, God will take us through an ordeal that will serve to bring us into a better knowledge of Himself."(April 26) I hate it when I find myself questioning God, He always comes back with something like this and I feel foolish, when will I learn?

"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." (Ps. 18:30)

It gets better..."When we realize how feeble we are in facing difficulties, the difficulties become like giants, we become like grasshoppers and God seems to be nonexistent."(June 5)

BUT God has said, "Never will I leave you: never will I forsake you." (Heb. 13:5) Hello Kate, he takes care of the birds and the flowers, why would he not take care of you?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do no see." (Heb. 11:1)

Needless to say, I am comforted by the words of God, I've dusted myself off from the lies of Satan and I'm ready to continue on this journey of semi-joblessness until God provides the right thing for me and I don't think it will be doing something I hate since I still feel like I jumped when everyone else probably thought it wasn't safe to jump.

Arise from the dead....

My Utmost for His Highest has to be one of the most challenging books I've encountered. It's great though. Summer 2005, I lived in NC before I moved here in January 2006, in a cabin in the woods, alone, and I read My Utmost every morning and I just learned and grew so much that summer, it was probably the best thing that happened to me, but that's a story for another post.

So I decided to pick it back up this week after seeing a friend reading it and remembering how useful it had been to me before. I just did some flipping, decided to not follow the dates today and landed on February 16, entitled The Inspiration of Spiritual Initiative. This one is just so good and applicable, I just have to share it.

I'm pretty much going to type out the whole thing here, it's pretty self-explanatory, so I don't have too much to interject.

"Arise from the dead..." (Eph. 5:14) Not all initiative, the willingness to take the first step, is inspired by God. Someone may say to you, "Get up and get going! Take your reluctance by the throat and throw it overboard -just do what needs to be done!" That is what we mean by ordinary human initiative. But when the Spirit of God comes to us and says, in effect, "Get up and get going," suddenly we find that initiative is inspired. We all have many dreams and aspirations when we are young, but sooner or later we realize we have no power to accomplish them. We cannot do the things we long to do, so our tendency is to think of our dreams and aspirations as dead. But God comes and says to us, "Arise from the dead...." When God sends His inspiration, it comes to use with such miraculous power that we are able to "arise from the dead" and do the impossible. The remarkable thing about spiritual initiative is that the life and power comes after we "get up and get going." God does not give us overcoming life - he gives us life as we overcome. When the inspiration of God comes, and He says. "Arise from the dead...," we have to get ourselves up; God will not lift us up. Our Lord said to the man with the withered hand, "Stretch out your hand" (Matt. 12:13). As soon as the man did so, his hand was healed. But he had to take the initiative. If we will take the initiative to overcome, we will find that we have the inspiration of God, because He immediately gives us the power of life.


I guess this rings true with me b/c after quitting my job and stepping into the unknown, I truly was dead in my job b/c it wasn't my passion and now that I took the initiative and I am following my passion, I have His inspiration and I really do have life as I am overcoming.

AND! With the celebration of Easter last week and the hope that comes from the tomb, knowing that God/Christ is only capable of rising from the dead, then it would only make sense that only He can tell us to "Arise from the dead..." and give us life through spiritual initiative.

holy crap it's been a while....

....i'll try to do better for my faithfulchrissextonreaders.

so a lot has been going on, if i blogged all of my thoughts, well, at least people would have something to read.

i downloaded this song from apple's free downloads of the week and since i can't articulate my feelings well, i let songs do it, here are some of the lyrics. i'm just going to be vulnerable with this one, but it's something i've been dealing with a lot lately. here goes...

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

I really feel like this. i think most girls do, but i'm really struggling with loving myself. and loving oneself is very different from being selfish. i've always felt this way, but i'm finally letting myself admit to myself that i don't love myself...are you following me?

i don't think i'll ever find someone until i can finally love the me God created. sometimes i think that no one will ever love me b/c of all the reasons i don't love myself, but how can i ever let someone else love me if i don't love myself? whew, that was a tongue twister! just something i've been thinking a lot about lately.

i suck...

location: whole foods, wade avenue, raleigh, nc
time: approximately 5:00 p.m.
subject: hot man, approximately my age, possibly single, did i mention hot?

ok, so i've known this for a while, i need to get over this soon, sooner than later actually, i have a phobia of hot men, yes, it's true. i'm very, very intimidated by them. i mean, why would the hot man like me and what are the chances said hot man is single (they never are).

i'm browsing the aisles of an especially crowded whole foods when i spot him, mr. hotness himself. he turns around and looks at me and i avoid eye contact! i can't even smile at him! what is my problem?! i have a very serious problem...very serious.

i see mr. hotness several more times, still can't smile at him and can barely look at him. however, i did stare him down while standing in line. he was just so hot and seemed so nice. as i stared at him, i realized he looked familiar, but i couldn't quite place him, until i checked out the magazine stand and who was on the cover of some magazine? his twin, matthew fox.

i'm never going to date....sigh.......

Happy New Year to me!

this picture is kind of mean considering, but it's still hilarious

monday morning i was driving home from a friend's house on georgia 316 (only the worst road ever, there is a traffic light at every crossroads and you typically get each one) where the speed limit is 65, meaning i'm going to drive 75. so i'm driving along and look down and whoa, i'm going 75 and think maybe i should slow down (remember those traffic lights?) and i get down to 70 and hello, 3, count them THREE cops, but i think, "oh i'm ok, i'm only going 5 over." well apparently that was too fast and i get PULLED over! holy crap, i'm 9 hours into 2007 and i'm getting pulled over!

so the cop comes to my window and asks me where i'm going in such a hurry (69) and i ask him what the speed limit was, b/c seriously? and APPARENTLY the speed limit changed to 55 somewhere up the road...YIKES!

he then asks me if he gives me a warning will i slow down...."yes sir!"

i still have to give him my license and he asks if the address (georgia address) is my current address and b/c i CANNOT LIE i say yes and then volunteer that i don't live there anymore! SERIOUSLY!?

so i get a warning for speeding AND for not changing my address.

at least it was a warning. happy 2007 to me! maybe my "luck" will hold out!